I do my best

This morning, at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30 and 3am, Charlotte came to our room. This is something that she's started doing once in awhile over the past couple of months. It's usually because her blankets have come off her bed. Unfortunately, once she's awake, it takes her some time to get back to sleep and as a result she sometimes gets up more than once. Most times she just goes back to sleep. Add that to Harrison waking around 2:30 as well, it was a long night.


When I hear her coming I usually intercept her before she gets too far, but either way, she's awake. Last night, it turned into a long night. I put her in the bed, and told her to go to sleep. The second time I heard her, I went to intercept only to find that all she'd done was open her door and put her horsey by it to keep it open. She was hearing noises. I explained to her that it was just the wind outside and that everything was OK. I told her we were there for her and everything would be OK. I closed the door and went back to bed.


Not long after, just as I was drifting back to sleep, I heard her coming again. I got out of bed, angry by this time and flung the bedroom door open only to see her there, crying because she was hearing noises. I instantly felt so bad. I carried her back to her room and explained the noise she heard. It was just the wind at the windows. The windows in Charlotte's room are older and so we have put the insulating wrap on them to get us through this winter. It had come adrift at the bottom and it was making noise. I sat with her for awhile, just talking to her and explaining that there was nothing to worry about and that when she does wake in the night, she should just turn over and go to sleep rather than come to get me. It's getting out of her bed that wakes her. By this time, Harrison was awake, and so, I told her to go to sleep and went off to feed him. When I had put him back down, Charlotte was still awake and so I went in, tape in hand and taped the windows. While it didn't do much, it was obviously enough to make her feel safe enough to go to sleep as I didn't hear from her again that night. 


When I got back in bed, I was, of course, fully awake. I started to think about raising kids, doing your best, feeling guilt if you don't feel you're doing what's right and just trying to learn from your mistakes and giving your kids the best that you can. I of course felt bad for being angry when I first opened the bedroom door (it's always open a little) to see Charlotte standing there upset. I felt bad for just wanting to sleep rather than worrying why she was awake. It reminded me of a conversation that my Mom and I had had that same day about when I was young and I used to call out to her every night and how she got me out of doing so. I won't go into details as my Mom feels bad about it, but it worked and at the end of the day all you can do is your best. I turned out pretty good so I think she did a great job! My Mom used to tell the story about my Nan. She had 11 children. I just can't imagine it. My Mom says that when they were born, they were put in a playpen and didn't come out until they could climb out themselves. Now, I know she was joking (well, sort of) but again, Nan did her best. Which, is what she used to say to my Mom. "I did my best my child". 


I think that's all anyone can do. I sometimes often have to remind myself of this when I find myself in a situation that I find, shall we say, challenging. I sometimes handle it well, other times, not so well and it's those times that I obviously feel guilty about and that I have to work through. But I'm learning. I try to remember that Charlotte and Harrison are doing they're best as well and we're all learning. I just look at them and enjoy them and nothing else matters.


So, tonight, when I said goodnight to Charlotte, I asked her what she was going to do if she woke. She said she was going to turn over and go back to sleep. Well, hopefully she won't wake up. If she does, hopefully she'll turn over and go back to sleep. If she doesn't, I'll carry her back, kiss her goodnight and hope she'll go back to sleep right away. If she doesn't, I'll deal with it the best way I can.

My beautiful little girl

My handsome boy